Happy birthday, happy boy

Kulas, 2013

16 years ago today, i said a quick hello and goodbye to death.

it was a difficult childbirth. we didn't plan on a second caesarean delivery in a little more than two years, but the baby was in breech. (the head-first position is called normal for a reason: the baby helps deliver himself out by instinctively kicking and pushing himself out of the womb.) 

but even if i was already cut several layers open, the doctors could not get him out, he was kicking himself up to my thoracic cavity. i remember people pressing on my chest to push him down. 

after much struggle, he finally came out. they showed him to me. oh, he looks like mike (my brother). and then i passed out (my ob-gyne and i agreed that i would be awake the entire process, the drug doctor to work her magic only after i've seen proof of life).

when i came to, i was being wheeled into the recovery room. 

but i was shaking, the gurney noisily vibrating with me. the nurse who was wheeling me stopped and tried to take my blood pressure. it was dropping fast. she couldn't hear the blood pumps that would measure it. a stupid suggestion made in panic: please stop shaking, ma'am. i can't hear your bp. it was my body's reaction to the trauma. 

i was very cold. she put a towel over me to keep me warm. before going off to look for a doctor, she reminds me: misis, don't sleep, please. i won't. i want to raise my child. i won't sleep.

next thing i know i was in my room, where my mother and sister were anxiously waiting for me. my chest and arms were bruised, like i was in a boxing match.

that was my third life. this cat is on her fifth life now, nourished and encouraged by 16 years of the gentlest, sweetest love.

(From 27 April 2013)